A whole year. ..... It's been a while damn year. Even though so much has changed how am I still here?
HOW THE FUCK AM I IN THE SAME DAMN FUCKING PLACE A WHOLE MOTHER FUCKIN YEAR LATER!?
Its so pathetic.
I'm a damn hamster on a wheel. I run and run and get no where. I go on living and keep repeating my same dumb ass mistakes and ending up in the same situations.
Why can't I make friends?
Wait ....thats not fair. Let's be honest. After all, this is my safe place.
I make friends....I make them pretty fucking easily to be honest. You see making friends is easy.....its the early stage, the honeymoon, the first date........they only get to see the surface you, the rehearsed, practiced, censored you. Its when they dive below the surface that shit goes wrong.
So I guess the real question is......Why cant i keep friends?
WHat is so fundamentally fucked up in my head or my being that it actually legitamitlly repels other human beings from wanting to form lasting connections with me?
I've pondered this thought ever since the 4th or 5th grade. Up until that point I had had the same friends my whole life. I never questioned if they liked me. They were my friends, of course they liked me! I liked them and they liked me.....we were friends.
Then my group of friends turned on me. They started excluding me. Then they started making fun of me. Then the started teasing me.
I guess now a days this would be labeled "bullying".
I remember it hurt. I was sad. I was confused. I wanted to ask them what I had done to cause this.
I vaugely remember finally getting the nerve up to ask......I dont remember their reasons. I do remember crying.
I cried a lot in 5th grade.
We had these lockers in the hall outside our class. They were tall and skinny like a metal locker but they were wooden. The shiny varnished wood church pews are made out of. They had a couple hooks and shelves in them but no doors.
I remember getting picked on in class. My "friends" would get going and say things out loud in front of everyone. I dont even remember what they said. I remember them laughing. I remember other kids laughing. I remember what hurt the most was they used to be my friends. I remember crying......a lot. I cried so much that I sometimes it wouldnt stop so i would leave my desk and go out into the hall and sit in my locker. Id sit and stare at the hallway floor and think and cry.
My locker was my safe place.
It was during one of these times that I was sitting in my locker that I made myself a promise. I would stop crying. I would not waste one more tear on them. They would NEVER make me cry again. I would NEVER let anyone see me cry ever again. And i kept that promise.
I steeled myself that day. I put up walls and locked all the doors. I put on my mask and cinched on my armor. I stopped crying.
I went through middle school and high school with this same resolve. Sure I cried. What teenage girl doesn't? I only allowed myself to cry behind closed doors. In my room at night. Id sit in there with the lights off and my christmas lights on. I kept them up all year. They were strung around the tops of my walls. I loved those lights.
My room was my safe place.
Then it wasn't.
My bed was against one wall in my room. I shared that wall with my parents room. I heard everything, every night. Through that wall I spent my pre teen and teen years listening to my parents marriage implode. Id lay in bed, listening and crying.
But I still never cried in public.
My parents split up. I made it through high school. I bounced from friends to friends. I kept up my pattern of making but never keeping friends.
Adult life proved to be more of the same.
My dad died.
I still did not cry in public.
I recently read an article about how crying is our bodied release valve. Its how we release stress. Not allowing yourself to cry causes actual physical harm to us. Not crying when we feel the need to triggers our bodies fight or flight response. We avoid the emotions. We dont deal with them and this trains us that when we start to feel those emotions, that stress that our body shouldnt cry but instead it should go into fight or flight. We go into danger mode. We make an already stressful situation worse for ourselves and then add adrenialin and cortisol to it. Before we know it we are running around in a premanent defense mode. Psychologist call it a contraction state. We are tensed. Every muscle, every sense is coiled and ready to react at the slightest hint of danger.
Hello anxiety.
Anxiety is me never escaping my thoughts. There is always noise in my head. ALWAYS. It is NEVER QUIET. NEVER! I examine every converstaion, interaction, comment, smile, frown, remark, EVERYTHING.
Maybe this is why I cant keep friends.
Eventually I overthink it all. I get too needy. I require too much validation. I am just too fucking crazy to deal with.
"Why didnt they call?"
"WHy didnt they text?"
"Are they mad?"
" WHat did that mean?"
" No one wants to hang around you."
" You are so boring."
"You were wrong, again."
"They are just being nice and tolerating you."
I kept asking myself why my friends always leave.............
I went over it, and over it, and over it and over it in my head.
Then it hit me one day......the common link in all this is me. Its me. Im the toxic friend.
How did i get to this point?
I need to fix this but I dont know how.
Is this all because of me denying myself my emotions? What events and experiences in my life have shaped me into this toxic asshole of a person?
I need to understand this. If i can understand what all added up to equal this mess then maybe I can learn how to fix it.
Maybe I can learn how be a normal person.
Is that even possible?
I also read that anxiety is a result of not feeling safe as a child.
Did I not feel safe as a child?
Have I ever felt safe? like 100%, truely and really safe?
Probably not. The roof is always moments away from falling in. Im always a step away from falling off the cliff. Disaster is always around the corner. Nothing can last forever. Everything comes to an end.
How can I ever feel safe?
Is that what is wrong with me? Im never safe. Not anywhere or with anyone.
Is that why I cant keep friends? I cant develop a true, real connection without feeling safe with someone and if I never feel safe ...well fuck.
Maybe I am just crazy.
Is this just karma? Am I just reaping what I sowed?
If Im toxic...poisoning every friendship I enter into. Steam rolling through people's lives being a total asshole in the process then am I just getting my just desserts?
Maybe I deserve to be alone.
Maybe I need to learn to cry.
HOW THE FUCK AM I IN THE SAME DAMN FUCKING PLACE A WHOLE MOTHER FUCKIN YEAR LATER!?
Its so pathetic.
I'm a damn hamster on a wheel. I run and run and get no where. I go on living and keep repeating my same dumb ass mistakes and ending up in the same situations.
Why can't I make friends?
Wait ....thats not fair. Let's be honest. After all, this is my safe place.
I make friends....I make them pretty fucking easily to be honest. You see making friends is easy.....its the early stage, the honeymoon, the first date........they only get to see the surface you, the rehearsed, practiced, censored you. Its when they dive below the surface that shit goes wrong.
So I guess the real question is......Why cant i keep friends?
WHat is so fundamentally fucked up in my head or my being that it actually legitamitlly repels other human beings from wanting to form lasting connections with me?
I've pondered this thought ever since the 4th or 5th grade. Up until that point I had had the same friends my whole life. I never questioned if they liked me. They were my friends, of course they liked me! I liked them and they liked me.....we were friends.
Then my group of friends turned on me. They started excluding me. Then they started making fun of me. Then the started teasing me.
I guess now a days this would be labeled "bullying".
I remember it hurt. I was sad. I was confused. I wanted to ask them what I had done to cause this.
I vaugely remember finally getting the nerve up to ask......I dont remember their reasons. I do remember crying.
I cried a lot in 5th grade.
We had these lockers in the hall outside our class. They were tall and skinny like a metal locker but they were wooden. The shiny varnished wood church pews are made out of. They had a couple hooks and shelves in them but no doors.
I remember getting picked on in class. My "friends" would get going and say things out loud in front of everyone. I dont even remember what they said. I remember them laughing. I remember other kids laughing. I remember what hurt the most was they used to be my friends. I remember crying......a lot. I cried so much that I sometimes it wouldnt stop so i would leave my desk and go out into the hall and sit in my locker. Id sit and stare at the hallway floor and think and cry.
My locker was my safe place.
It was during one of these times that I was sitting in my locker that I made myself a promise. I would stop crying. I would not waste one more tear on them. They would NEVER make me cry again. I would NEVER let anyone see me cry ever again. And i kept that promise.
I steeled myself that day. I put up walls and locked all the doors. I put on my mask and cinched on my armor. I stopped crying.
I went through middle school and high school with this same resolve. Sure I cried. What teenage girl doesn't? I only allowed myself to cry behind closed doors. In my room at night. Id sit in there with the lights off and my christmas lights on. I kept them up all year. They were strung around the tops of my walls. I loved those lights.
My room was my safe place.
Then it wasn't.
My bed was against one wall in my room. I shared that wall with my parents room. I heard everything, every night. Through that wall I spent my pre teen and teen years listening to my parents marriage implode. Id lay in bed, listening and crying.
But I still never cried in public.
My parents split up. I made it through high school. I bounced from friends to friends. I kept up my pattern of making but never keeping friends.
Adult life proved to be more of the same.
My dad died.
I still did not cry in public.
I recently read an article about how crying is our bodied release valve. Its how we release stress. Not allowing yourself to cry causes actual physical harm to us. Not crying when we feel the need to triggers our bodies fight or flight response. We avoid the emotions. We dont deal with them and this trains us that when we start to feel those emotions, that stress that our body shouldnt cry but instead it should go into fight or flight. We go into danger mode. We make an already stressful situation worse for ourselves and then add adrenialin and cortisol to it. Before we know it we are running around in a premanent defense mode. Psychologist call it a contraction state. We are tensed. Every muscle, every sense is coiled and ready to react at the slightest hint of danger.
Hello anxiety.
Anxiety is me never escaping my thoughts. There is always noise in my head. ALWAYS. It is NEVER QUIET. NEVER! I examine every converstaion, interaction, comment, smile, frown, remark, EVERYTHING.
Maybe this is why I cant keep friends.
Eventually I overthink it all. I get too needy. I require too much validation. I am just too fucking crazy to deal with.
"Why didnt they call?"
"WHy didnt they text?"
"Are they mad?"
" WHat did that mean?"
" No one wants to hang around you."
" You are so boring."
"You were wrong, again."
"They are just being nice and tolerating you."
I kept asking myself why my friends always leave.............
I went over it, and over it, and over it and over it in my head.
Then it hit me one day......the common link in all this is me. Its me. Im the toxic friend.
How did i get to this point?
I need to fix this but I dont know how.
Is this all because of me denying myself my emotions? What events and experiences in my life have shaped me into this toxic asshole of a person?
I need to understand this. If i can understand what all added up to equal this mess then maybe I can learn how to fix it.
Maybe I can learn how be a normal person.
Is that even possible?
I also read that anxiety is a result of not feeling safe as a child.
Did I not feel safe as a child?
Have I ever felt safe? like 100%, truely and really safe?
Probably not. The roof is always moments away from falling in. Im always a step away from falling off the cliff. Disaster is always around the corner. Nothing can last forever. Everything comes to an end.
How can I ever feel safe?
Is that what is wrong with me? Im never safe. Not anywhere or with anyone.
Is that why I cant keep friends? I cant develop a true, real connection without feeling safe with someone and if I never feel safe ...well fuck.
Maybe I am just crazy.
Is this just karma? Am I just reaping what I sowed?
If Im toxic...poisoning every friendship I enter into. Steam rolling through people's lives being a total asshole in the process then am I just getting my just desserts?
Maybe I deserve to be alone.
Maybe I need to learn to cry.
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