There has been a lot going on in my life lately and this has given me a need to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head. I figured the best way to do this was to start writing again. 

I don"t know if anyone will ever read this and I honestly don't care if anyone ever does. I need to do this for me. I need to have a place to put all these thoughts and feelings I have down. Keeping them bottled up isn't working anymore. My writing may not be elegant or "correct" but that isnt the point of this blog. I may ramble, I may wander but thats ok because this isnt about being a great writer. This blog is about exactly as the title sates being my "Safe Place to Land..."

The biggest issue I have weighing on me lately is the abrupt, malicious, and painful ending of what I thought was a friendship. Sometimes I think i can pin point what caused the beginning of the end. I keep going back to that day that I stood there talking with her and J and I told her she looked tired. SHe complained about the hours she had spent in the pool anf the effects it was having on her. I agreed that the chlorine was making her skin look ashy. It seemed like a typical conversation we had had many times before. Then she text me and basiclaly in so many words she told me how i had hurt her by saying what I said. I called her to talk it over. I apologized. I told her how sorry I was and that I had meant nothing mean by what i said, i had simply been trying to sympathize with her complaints about the pool and the chlorine on her skin. Her response was cold and reherhersed. It was empty. She said " I believe you" and nothing more. We didnt talk for days after that. I knew she was angry with me. I remember pulling weeds in my garden after our talk and being sad, then angry. Just the day before she had told my my face was broken out and looked irritated so i must be stressed. I hadnt gotten angry with her. WTF how dare she say things like that to me and then do this to me! It was completely down hill from there. Then i discovered her damn twitter account.........How can someone who claims to be my friend say one thing to my face and then go on social media and say such horrible, mean, nasty, hurtful things about me???

Did she not think I wouldnt see that?? DO you think im stupid??? Im glad i read those tweets. It showed me your true colors. You lie. You say the ugliest things about people you call your friends. You constantly say things like "speak honestly" "address your issues" but then you hide on twitter and say those awful things. Those tweets hurt me. They planted the seed of distrust in me and helped it grow. I couldnt trust a thing you said or did ever again. 

You told me once how you could just cut people out of your life......well i guess im witnessing that first hand now huh..

I dont know how in everything youve done you have somehow painted yourself as the victim. You post about how anxiety causes you to do these things and how we dont get it. FUCK YOU!! My anxiety cripples me. My anxious thoughts run wild and cause me to doubt everything. I spend all day every day waiting for the other shoe to fall. My anxiety has gotten so bad as of late that it is causing me physical issues. Im hoping this writing will help that.

I read one of her tweets the other day. Im pretty damn sure she refers to me as "Velma".  She said something like "Your hair is fugly....you remind me of Velma from Scoobey Doo".

That hurt.

Your were my fucking friend and now you say that about me........

The anxious, insecure part of me wants to hide. Your words make me feel like i need to change my hair now. 

I looked up images of Velma online......she was the ugly girl in the gang. The brain. No one wanted to be Velma. No one wanted to date Velma. She was the chubby, less pretty girl in the gang. Ive felt like that my whole life. You saying those words about me ripped open that wound all over again. The rational part of me knows you are aying those things because you are angry and you want to hurt me. The rational part of me knows i shouldnt chnage myself for anyone...ecspecially you...........but sometimes the insecure side wins and when she does your words keep repeating my head and then i cry.

Ive been told my whole life that people like you say things like that because you are jealous...........i have a hard time finding anything about me that would make anyone jealous. 

I dont know why you are doing these things. I may never know. It makes me angry that you hurt me. I want to move past the point where you can hurt me.

DO you enjoy hurting me? Do you enjoy hurting all of us? 

I want to scream at you "YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM!!!" but i know this will do no good. It wount change anything. 

I truly believe you love controlling people and you cut us out because you could no longer control us. 

You still control her though. I saw her today, working with you and when I waved at her she didnt wave back because you were there. That hurt.